I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.