I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.