Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..