@InternalJane

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

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@Boywhiz88

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

@

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

@Cpin42

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

@a_simpl_man

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

@chrisanna4real

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

@LindaInDisguise

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

@TheeSkinBoss

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

@GingerGander

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

@RodLacroix

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”