furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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Not all heroes wear capes…
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I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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