furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
That’s what I call a flat tire
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”