Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
You Might Also Like
this could fix me
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
fired
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Matthew was born for this.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.