Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?