Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
life finds a way
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.