Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Y’all know who you are.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.