Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?