Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.