How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
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Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.