Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
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[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun