Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing