It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.