I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
You Might Also Like
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
LMAO
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you