Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Mountain Goat : )
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.