Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.