I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.