All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
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Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My work here is don’t.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.