DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
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Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.