I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
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WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!