[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
You Might Also Like
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?