ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes