The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.