Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
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Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.