Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
(by @ZachWeiner )
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!