When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

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I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.


Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:


If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.


Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit


*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself


[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!


“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”


Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas


ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome