When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
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I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.