@Manda_like_wine

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

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@Contwixt

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

@

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

@patnspankme

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

@Ojasism

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

@TheTimmyToes

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

@KyleMcDowell86

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

@cravin4

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

@TheHyyyype

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome