I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”