[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.