I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
so this horse walks into a bar
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone