Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
pls suprot
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.