me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
😂😂
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.