I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.