me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
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*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun