People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’