*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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If a snake ate a cake
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.