“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
At least my masseuse has my back.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.