I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Finally!
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Schrödinger’s cookie
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!