Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Practicing safe sax
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no