Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Somebody’s lying.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me