Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u