When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The three genders
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.