Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
You Might Also Like
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
A dad and his duck
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”