I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Okey dokey.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad: