ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”