we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Heroic Misunderstanding
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine