And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
If only.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”