Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND