[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that