the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.