I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
This raises questions
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.