Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings