Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.