Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.


Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.


When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.


“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”


“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus


Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready


officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?


Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings