ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this